Thus far in my cancer journey, I’ve been reading Eastern philosophy. I think the spiritual concepts based in Buddhism always resound with me. There is a fair amount of overlap between Eastern and Western ideas of spirituality. I think it’s safe to say, regardless of belief system and culture, we are all generally working on internal issues.
Perhaps it’s easier to utilize spirituality when there isn’t much else there as a distraction. For example, in my hospital stays, in between the visits with family and friends, I found myself with a lot of thinking time. This kind of time used to petrify me. I think as a society we are always afraid of looking into the faces of our demons. Stranded in a hospital or in my bed, aching and exhausted, my vulnerability would remain at the whims of these demons.
During these times, my demons are more nebulous than consistent. Usually they crop up now and then and taunt me: “Feeling pain, aren’t you? You want to feel sorry for yourself, right? How come you got cancer so young? You are weak and useless,” and on and on.
Some days I would be convinced my demons were right, but this has been during my worst days. More than likely I would acknowledge the taunts and respond: “Yeah, I feel pain, so what? It will be over soon. No, I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t know why I got cancer at all, but it doesn’t matter right now. I’m not weak; I’m actually quite strong. I might be somewhat unproductive now, but just you wait,” and so forth.
This has taken considerable practice. Backed into the corner with these demons, I realize on some level, I have no choice but fight back if I want to survive these taunts. At first, it felt like I had little tools to complete the task. It seems that it could sway in the extremes. I could scream and yell and go ape shit on my demons or I could just stare it down and wait until it backs away.
The Buddhist philosophies I’ve read would probably go with the latter approach. Partially, and this is my interpretation, because using a lot of energy to fight something that is so strong will just make one more exhausted. If there is one important condition to consider while fighting cancer it is this: energy must be conserved. If I’m fighting these demons, I have to fight smart. Why hand over so much energy to something that is not helpful?
I’ve been contemplating the idea that perhaps some might construe cancer as greater than other problems. In my situation, the diagnosis was shocking and the treatments unbearable at times. However, the disclaimer is that, if this weren’t cancer, I could very well be fighting something else. We are all battling personal demons. Cancer, in a way, represents something we all deal with on a day-to-day basis: our current state. Whether it is our jobs, relationships, fears, or desires, we are all dealing with something.
It would be easy to say that cancer is the demon itself, but I’m not convinced. Cancer generates a considerable amount of fear and doubt. Therefore, the fear and doubt are the demons. Believe me, I have wasted energy on the fear and uncertainty surrounding my situation. I have by no means perfected a nonreactive state to my demons, but I am working more on my approach to them.
Now, I’ll just smile politely at my demons as acknowledgment, let them exhaust themselves in trying to scare me, and scoot them out the door.
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