Happenstance

I very much believe that things happen for a reason.

However, if I were to say that there is truth and understanding in this bout of cancer shenanigans, I’d be kidding myself.

I don’t know why it happened.

What am I truly expecting out of my life? I don’t think I have too many preconceived notions about where it will take me. I’ve always been very academically mindful, but I never had this checklist for things I should accomplish. I mean, there have been the “it would nice” and the “I’d like to” moments. However, I knew early on I didn’t need that hanging over my head.

Maybe this has been my saving grace. Honestly, thus far, my life has been exceptional. People I care about, who care back, surround me. I’ve traveled to other countries. I completed a college degree in something that drove my artistic vision and I’m working on another. I was born into the most wonderful family possible.

I doubt I’d recommend other people get cancer, as if it were this free-floating amorphous disease you could just inhale accidentally. Then again, wait until researchers discover the causes behind lymphoma and I could be eating this statement.

I have the desire and drive to move beyond this, despite the marks it has left on me both literally and intellectually. I suppose I’ve finally discovered that as much I look forward, I need to work on my situation now.

Thus begins a new beginning to my spiritual journey. Sitting there in the chemo room, I allowed my body to just rest and sleep. Before, I’d squirmed and just hated being there and feeling awful. I have found a new resolve. Part of it is because I don’t think I have much of a choice. My doctor thinks the mass should be gone by now. I was surprised to hear this news. My initial thought was: why the hell are we doing more treatments?

Apparently, the other 4 treatments are to ensure the cancer doesn’t come back. The bad cells could potentially be floating around my body still. Part of me is encouraged, but also discouraged by this news.

I found a punching bag in my sister’s old closet and I’ve pulled it out to not only work out my upper arm strength, but to get my aggression out. I now take a walk twice a day on my days off and in the evenings on workdays.

I’m determined to keep myself strong as I go forth into the treatments that will make me weak.

I could philosophize all day, but perhaps this is why all this has happened: to get my mind, body, and spirit to become a singular entity.

Or at least to let me hit a punching bag with zeal.